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Hey Terrorists, You’re Doing It Wrong

I’m not generally in the habit of giving terrorists advice, but I’m fed up with the IEDs, the killer cookware, and the complications in my life (like the airport security nightmare) that are a direct result of the dumbass way terrorists are approaching this whole “taking America down” thing.

So I’m going to give you would be terrorists a little piece of advice. Your approach to this whole jihad thing is all wrong, and totally ass backwards. This scavenging around the middle east for scraps to make home made bombs with is stupid. Trolling the aisles of Bed Bath and Beyond for cookware to use in your bombs is stupid. Placing bombs in your crotch, shoes, hair, armpit, or wherever else you think you can hide them is stupid. These approaches are all incredibly dumb because you’re going to end up either droned to death, dead because you successfully killed yourself, in prison, with a scorched crotch, or in prison with a scorched crotch. You’re doing it all wrong because in any scenario, your future doesn’t look so good.

Here’s what I think you should do instead; you should become a member of the United States Congress. You should run as a tea party conservative, a fiscal conservative or even a blue dog democrat, pledging to never, ever raise taxes under any circumstances. And you can prove your commitment by signing Grover Norquist’s pledge.

And then once you are elected, honor that pledge. In fact, go further; lower taxes. You’re going to have to do your rich donors a solid anyway, so go ahead and lower taxes for 1%. And then when you find yourself without any funds to run your district or your state, take money out of any infrastructure projects that may be slated to happen.

Here’s where your jihad plan really takes off because after you’ve done all that, you get to sit back and watch America fall into the oceans bit by bit. You can sit around and watch bridges collapse all around the country. You can sit around and watch steam pipes explode in heavily trafficked places like Grand Central Station. You can sit around and watch sink holes all across the country swallow whole communities.

In short, you can destroy America without risking the burns to your crotch or martyring yourselves. Sure, you’ll have to give up that whole “72 virgins” notion, but who are we kidding here? I’ve seen what you all look like. Even you can’t believe there’s a realm of existence that contains women, more or less virgins that are willing to fuck you.

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