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A Bitchy Message For The Alt Right

You’re Nazis. The only reason I referred to you as the “alt-right” in the title, is for SEO purposes. You’re fucking Nazis, and the only reason I will include the term alt-right in this piece is to search optimize this post.

As Nazis are historically wont to do, you’re a sad sack of self loathing losers who are a disgrace to your race. Why do I say you’re self loathing? Because you’ve told us that you can’t compete for jobs against immigrants (especially the eye-legal ones) so you need for them to all leave so that you can get a job. How fucking pathetic. And yet in the same breath, you claim your racial superiority. Really? I’m flummoxed as to where said “superiority” can be witnessed, since you can’t compete with a non English speaking eye-legal for a job? When someone has to point to the color of their skin as their only source of “superiority”, that seems like a clear sign of self-loathing to me.

In all of your poorly educated fervor in regard to your superior race and whatnot, you’ve failed to ask yourselves who it is employing all of these brown people that you can’t compete with. Is it brown people trying to give their fellow “inferiors” a leg up. Nope. Corporate executives in America are super white. Did I say super white? I meant super white men. And as the country is becoming more of that icky brown shade you’re so superior to, executives are getting even whiter. So maybe you should ask yourself why they don’t want to hire you. Do they perhaps know something about your superiority that you don’t? Maybe that it’s a joke perpetuated by people who have literally no other source of pride?

I live in Harlem. Harlem is a part of Manhattan that is dominated by brownstones, rather than high rise apartment buildings. There were a few decades there where no one wanted to live here. By the early nineties, it was impossible to give away one of the beautiful brownstones like the one I live in. The property taxes were literally higher than what anyone was willing to pay to buy one. As a result, they all started falling apart. By the late 90s/ early 2000s, they were selling like hotcakes. The gentrification process had begun and developers were snatching up the brownstones and renovating them. That process is still going on. Two brownstones on my block are being renovated right now. One of them is directly across the street from me. I see the workers show up every morning between 6:15 and 6:30 to start work. This is true of both renovation projects. They’re usually done around 6:00 in the evening. None of them speak much English. Every day, one of their wives shows up with a cooler full of home made food for the whole crew. It’s a different wife each day, so they have a schedule. Mind you, there are around a dozen places to grab a quick, cheap bite to eat within a two block radius. At least one of the wives I saw dropping off food, was wearing a maid’s uniform and a name tag so she was on her way to work. They work every day but Sunday. On Thanksgiving, they were all at work at their usual time, 6:30 am. Since it was a holiday, they ended their day at 4:00 instead of 6:00. On the day after Thanksgiving, they worked their usual schedule of eleven plus hours. Wanna guess who the bosses are? Yep, they’re super white guys.

So if you’re having trouble finding a job, you should definitely come to New York City. There’s literally never a time when there aren’t hundreds of construction or renovation jobs to be had. I’m positive these jobs pay what one would expect the type of job that has you working over eleven hours a day, six days a week, and on holidays. So come and get them, Nazis. There’s a fabulous life here for you and your Nazi wives.

Now, I don’t have the skills to build a house. I don’t have anything remotely resembling the skills to build a house. I do have a job that pays six figures, provides me with good benefits, and paid me for binge watching Westworld on Thanksgiving. I have never been able to figure out why what I do is considered more valuable than what the workers who are building the house across the street from me do. So unlike you Nazis, I don’t have any delusions of grandeur despite the fact that it’s society telling me I’m more valuable, rather than just racist voices in my head. But I’m positive that many of you have these awesome home building skills I lack, so come on over and take your jobs back from the eye-legals who have “stolen” them from you.

Now at this point, I have to confess that I’m Jewish and probably used my sneaky Jew ways to get a good paying job. I should also tell you that I’ve never worked in the financial industry, and have turned down dozens of requests for interviews for that industry. I just can’t do that in all good conscience. I also accidentally interviewed for a job I was recommended for that turned out to be with a News Corp company. I didn’t realize it was News Corp until I showed up for the interview and saw that I  was entering the News Corp building. I turned down that job. So I’m not one of those Jews who runs the banks or the media, but wanna know who is? Herr Trump’s chief advisor and your Nazi leader, Steve Bannon. That’s right, he was an investment banker for an uber Jewy firm you may have heard of: Goldman Sachs. He then went on to start his media empire. So when you’re deriding the Jew bankers and media executives, don’t forget who your leader is.

Since I’m filling you in on things you don’t know, I have some terrible news for you. Terrible news that I’m positive you’re clueless about since many of you are the same dolts who took to the streets in February 2009, and called yourselves teabaggers, leaving me no choice but to refer to you by your own chosen name. Since you were so fucking clueless about what a teabagger is, I’m pretty sure that I’m about to drop a bombshell on you: your Vice President elect is super gay. He’s not just a little bit, maybe-you-can-tell gay. He’s super fucking gay. When a well coiffed republican man advocates for gay conversion therapy, they’re coming out to you. You idiots are just to stupid to realize it. Mike Pence started off as a right wing radio host before he became governor. Most people don’t know this, because his show never really got out of Indiana so he ran for governor and proceeded to run that state into the ground. I would not be at all surprised if someone told me that he agreed to be Herr Trump’s running mate, so that he could finally raise his profile enough to contend for the position of Liza Minelli’s third gay husband. That’s how super freaking gay Mike Pence is.  Now I don’t expect you to believe me, because you couldn’t really be alt right Nazis if facts registered even a little bit. But I will enjoy mocking you for being so damned blind again over the course of the next four years.

So as you’re going around the country committing hate crimes against the dreaded gays, just know that you elected a super gay vice president. Now maybe you’re all absurdly claiming that being gay is a perversion in order to deflect from your own actual sexual perversions? I’m talking to you, Nazi cucks. Every time one of you shows up on one of my social media pages to call me or my followers cucks, you’re telling me a lot about yourselves. You see, I know where the term comes from even if you don’t. Let me clue you in (from the link):

“I describe cuckolding as a marriage where the husband derives sexual pleasure from watching his wife have sex with a man who has a larger penis.”

Now I don’t know why you would feel compelled to clue me in about your sexual fetish (and shortcomings), but they’re of no concern of mine. Whatever you and your consenting partner decide to do in the privacy of your own bedroom is none of my business. Please try and keep it that way. I have no desire to picture your tiny little prick during the course of a political discussion on my social media pages. Get a pump, learn to use your tongue, get some therapy, or get yourselves as many well-endowed men as you can find to pleasure your women. But stop making your sexual problems part of my life.

In closing, I just want to say that you’re all just sad little people. From your inability to compete for jobs, to your cluelessness about what’s going around in the world around you, to your misguided over sharing regarding your tiny penises. You’re very sad people, and I’m sorry that being anonymous assholes hiding behind your keyboards is all you have in this world. Must be hard, typing out all of that hate, what with your tiny hands and all. I rejoice in the knowledge that you have to live the rest of your miserable lives knowing that a black man was President Of The United States, and all you have is a tiny prick and a keyboard to make yourselves feel better about it.

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