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Sinking My Teeth Into The Weiner

This will be a quickie, since this isn’t a particularly complicated or nuanced issue.

Let me start by saying that I don’t really care about this beyond the amusement I get from the Weiner jokes which I imagine, will grow tiresome by Thursday. I don’t care because Anthony Weiner is neither a hypocrite nor a criminal. I’m only interested in your personal life if you’re stealing tax dollars, or are trying to suppress other people’s rights based on a “family values” platform of hypocrisy. I didn’t care about Clinton’s sex or Ahhhhnold’s sex because they weren’t hypocrites.

John Ensign, Larry Craig, David Vitter, Ted Haggard, and that “rent boy” asshole all fall into the category of asshats whose sex lives endlessly amuse me because they’re shameless liars and thieves. There’s nothing I enjoy more than watching a liar or a thief exposed for what they are.

But short of that, I just don’t give a shit. We’ve seen enough rich and/or powerful men cheat that it really shouldn’t surprise us. I’ve actually come to realize that cheaters are the norm. I am no longer disappointed by it.

I have to confess to being mildly disappointed in Anthony Weiner, but not as much as I’m comforted by his behavior over the past week. You’re thinking I’m batshit crazy at this point, but let me explain. We’ve been watching Weiner bumble and stumble in regard to this scandal all week. He’s not a good liar. In fact, he’s possibly the worst liar of any politician in the history of politics. He’s undeniably a brilliant guy and yet, he couldn’t have handled this more poorly. He did one shitty interview after another in which, he never flatly denied that the picture was of him. Even after getting hammered for not denying it was him, he couldn’t do it. There’s something admirable about someone that can’t lie with ease. I actually like that about him, a lot. It’s the pathological liars that I’m most concerned with.

His unease with lying makes me more confident that he’s a good politician, intent on doing the right thing. At the end of the day, my only concern is about a politician’s impact on me and my country. The rest is superfluous. His inability to tell a convincing lie gives me more confidence in his morality toward governance. When Anthony Weiner is on the house floor incensed about health care for 9/11 responders, or for you and I, he’s not bullshitting us.

And a politician that is bullshit-challenged is the kind of politician I want, wiener behavior notwithstanding.

On a side note, I applaud Nancy Pelosi for launching an investigation into this matter. That’s how ethics in politics should work. I can’t recall the republican party ever investigating one of their own. Political ideology aside, I don’t know how anyone can support the GOP. They’re crooks and liars, and they don’t even care enough to seem like they’re not.

Oh, and one last thought – the part of this story that I find most disgusting, is the part where Andrew Breitbart gets a modicum of legitimacy. I will be vomiting uncontrollably over that for months!

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Obama Can’t Be A Muslim Terrorist

According to a Harris poll that came out a few weeks ago, 57% of republicans think that President Obama is Muslim. 67% believe he’s a socialist, and 24% believe that he may be the Antichrist.

I would like to allay those fears by showing you that he can’t possibly be a terrorist once and for all. Let me show you why.

This guy,

Christopher Paul was arrested in Ohio yesterday for having ties to Al Qaeda. In 1997, he  apparently received a fax from this guy

Mahmedou Ould Salahi, a gitmo detainee and suspected terrorist.

Last month, Pakistani officials claimed to have arrested this guy

Adam Gadahn, a native Californian and suspected Al Qaeda terrorist.

Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here? These guys are all just plain unfuckable. Is it any mystery why they’re all wooed by that whole 72 virgins fantasy? They clearly have no hope of ever achieving human contact with a woman in this life, so what the hell? Why not go for the jihadi brass ring which will not only get you the virgins, but it will also shorten the miserable experience of forced virginity in this life.

Think I’m full of it? Here’s more proof;

Here’s Raja Khan. He’s a Chicago cab driver suspected of sending money to Al Qaeda terrorists. And in case you hadn’t noticed, he’s thoroughly unfuckable.

And here’s KSM. It really doesn’t get more unfuckable than him, does it?

And lastly;

All 19 of the 9/11 hijackers. 19 seriously unfuckable men.Honestly, this wouldn’t even happen with someone else’s vagina!

Now look at our president.

Now this clearly the face of a man that has never had to ask a woman to sleep with him twice, which makes it impossible that he would ever be lured in by the promise of virgins. He’s clearly been there and done that many, many times. When he smiles, the legs of every woman within a 100 mile radius spring open like the jaws of life thrust into action to rescue a baby out from a mangled car. This is a man whose life is spectacular.

No amount of afterlife goodies could cause this man to fuck up the life he has now.

So please, get over your irrational fears. You’re being ridiculous!

Oh, and republican women – if you’re in a state of perpetual fear of a terrorist attack, I have a suggestion for you. Don’t waste your life cowering in fear. Get proactive. You should all go out there and look for the biggest troll that you can find and lay him like carpet. It will probably do you some good as well.

Your country needs you. God bless and go forward.




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BondageGate

Did you really think I wasn’t going to talk about it? This story is just too much fun not to comment on! My first thought when I heard about the head of the RNC expensing a large tab at a West Hollywood bondage club was, "Is Ken Mehlman back?" Then I realized it was a straight club, so Ken is definitely NOT back. My next thought was, there’s a straight bondage club in West Hollywood? And then my mind had to explore the horror that is wondering what Michael Steele’s safe word is. Is it Reagan? Tax cuts? WMD? After I got my mind out of the gutter (it took a while), I had to wonder what kind of moron would expense something like this? Don’t you know that the FEC looks at this stuff? And then I realized that we’re talking about republicans here. They’re self entitled and hypocritical so it would naturally make sense to engage in this sort of behavior on someone else’s dime while preaching family values to the donors that made it possible. The next thing that occurred to me is that they took what could have been a brilliant and lucrative idea and turned it into a minor scandal. Instead of spending their donors’ money on watching fake bondage, they should have given perspective donors the opportunity to make big contributions in exchange for the opportunity to flog some of their members. Think about the untapped revenue potential! I would pay untold sums of money to put a ball gag on John Boehner and then go to town on his ass with a wooden paddle. I would! And I wouldn’t care that the money will ultimately go to fund Michelle Bachman’s campaign. Four more years of Michelle Bachman, just to be able to shove a butt plug right into John Cornyn? YES, YES, it’s worth it! YES WE CAN! SIGN ME UP! You think I’m kidding, but I’m NOT. The very idea makes me happier than I’ve been in months. Screw long term thinking! I want instant gratification! And I’m pretty sure I can’t be the only one. There must be millions of people out there that would never donate to the RNC under any other circumstances, who would gladly open their wallets for this type of opportunity. They could even do an auction to ensure that they got the maximum contributions from people. And if the bids aren’t high enough, they could sweeten the pot. Think about it, how much MORE would you pay to spank a ball gagged Mitch McConnell if you had the ADDED option of nipple clamps? Don’t pretend like you’re above it all. You know you want to as bad as I do.

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