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Obama Is The Luckiest Man In The World

  He’s got an uncomfortably low approval rating, decreasing support within his own base, an opposition party that wants to crush him like they’ve never wanted to crush another and yet, he’s virtually assured a second term in office. It almost feels like he’s won the lottery ten times in a row, by buying one single lottery every week.

His incredibly good fortune started when the republican party rolled out their clown car of potential opponents. Seriously, these people are just fucking embarrassing. They weren’t just bad candidates. They were among the dumbest, and most dishonest people in the country. We started with two morons that (mercifully), never ran; Sarah Palin with her IQ of lint, and Donald Trump who never met a company (or hairstyle) that he couldn’t bankrupt. Then we moved onto Michele Bachmann, whose own staffers said has no use for facts. Next up was Rick Perry, who I’m convinced has alzheimer’s or some other similar affliction (I’m not kidding). When he proved to be too dumb for anyone that isn’t a Texan, we were treated to Herman Cain who took almost as much pride in his ignorance (remember Uz Becky Becky Becky Becky Stan Stan Stan), as he had hubris in his perceived sexual appeal. And let’s not forget Rick Santorum who is all about small government, except that he literally wants government up your ass in order to make sure that nothing else gets up there. Because once you let something up your ass, you’re invariably going to want to fuck (and marry) your neighbor’s schnauzer. Come out of the closet already, Rick. You’re entirely too obsessed with the ass to pass for straight.

This brings us to Obama’s latest winning lottery ticket; Newton Leroy Gingrich. This is a man whose own party voted to remove him from the speakership for being too corrupt, even for congress. This is a man who, at the age of 16 was fucking his teacher whom he later married, and subsequently left after she was diagnosed with MS. But don’t worry about Newt, he was already fucking the woman that would become his next wife, before he left the first one. Being nothing if not consistent, he left that mistress-and-then-wife when she received a cancer diagnosis. Once again, he had the next mistress/wife lined up before he left the cancer riddled one. And since everything Newt does must be more loathsome than the thing he did before, he was probably sitting in his car (parked at the hospital), after just having served wife #2 with divorce papers, getting blown by soon to be wife #3, while on his cell phone with CNN, doing an interview about what a dirtbag Bill Clinton was for cheating on his wife. But Newt’s long history of douchebaggery isn’t where Obama got lucky.

Obama’s luck stems from the fact that Newt is going to do to his (Obama’s) eventual opponent, what Obama won’t; tear him from limb to limb. Over the course of the next nine days, before Newt is forced to realize that he’s done running for president, he’s going to make Mitt release his tax returns. Not just this years tax returns, but several years tax returns. He’s going to force Mitt to go on the defense, which is something that Mitt sucks at.

Every time Mitt opens his mouth, he looks like more and more of a self entitled fat cat, who has no fucking idea how 99% of Americans live. Seriously Mittens, fire your health insurance provider? Where the fuck do you live? Because where I live, you get the insurance plan that your company provides you with(assuming you’re lucky enough to have a job). And if that plan sucks, you’re lucky if there’s one provider in your area that takes single subscribers. Firing your company sponsored health insurance plan will cost you hundreds of dollars a month, if you never seek out health care. What a fucking asshat, seriously. Newt is going to force Mitt to confirm that he has millions of dollars parked in the Cayman Islands, not because he’s sheltering it from taxes of course, but because the money prefers a tropical climate. Massachusetts is just too frigid a climate for the money. In order to keep the money happy, Mitt needs to keep the money warm and nicely tanned so that it’s in a good mood when it pays all of the taxes it owes the United States.

Newt is going to force Mitt to say stupid, implausible shit like that so that when he does become the nominee (and he will), Obama’s PACs need only run clips of Mitt speaking. I don’t believe that Obama is capable of damaging Mitt the way Newt is. During the 2008 campaign, we all collectively believed that Obama rope-a-doped Hillary. We were wrong. She rope-a-doped herself. In watching Obama govern for three years now, it’s obvious that he’s not a fighter. He’s quiet and subdued right up until the moment when he acquiesces to his opponent.

Yes, Obama got unfuckingbelievably lucky again. He can keep sucking at his job without fear of getting fired from it.

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