Obama Can’t Be A Muslim Terrorist

According to a Harris poll that came out a few weeks ago, 57% of republicans think that President Obama is Muslim. 67% believe he’s a socialist, and 24% believe that he may be the Antichrist.

I would like to allay those fears by showing you that he can’t possibly be a terrorist once and for all. Let me show you why.

This guy,

Christopher Paul was arrested in Ohio yesterday for having ties to Al Qaeda. In 1997, he  apparently received a fax from this guy

Mahmedou Ould Salahi, a gitmo detainee and suspected terrorist.

Last month, Pakistani officials claimed to have arrested this guy

Adam Gadahn, a native Californian and suspected Al Qaeda terrorist.

Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here? These guys are all just plain unfuckable. Is it any mystery why they’re all wooed by that whole 72 virgins fantasy? They clearly have no hope of ever achieving human contact with a woman in this life, so what the hell? Why not go for the jihadi brass ring which will not only get you the virgins, but it will also shorten the miserable experience of forced virginity in this life.

Think I’m full of it? Here’s more proof;

Here’s Raja Khan. He’s a Chicago cab driver suspected of sending money to Al Qaeda terrorists. And in case you hadn’t noticed, he’s thoroughly unfuckable.

And here’s KSM. It really doesn’t get more unfuckable than him, does it?

And lastly;

All 19 of the 9/11 hijackers. 19 seriously unfuckable men.Honestly, this wouldn’t even happen with someone else’s vagina!

Now look at our president.

Now this clearly the face of a man that has never had to ask a woman to sleep with him twice, which makes it impossible that he would ever be lured in by the promise of virgins. He’s clearly been there and done that many, many times. When he smiles, the legs of every woman within a 100 mile radius spring open like the jaws of life thrust into action to rescue a baby out from a mangled car. This is a man whose life is spectacular.

No amount of afterlife goodies could cause this man to fuck up the life he has now.

So please, get over your irrational fears. You’re being ridiculous!

Oh, and republican women – if you’re in a state of perpetual fear of a terrorist attack, I have a suggestion for you. Don’t waste your life cowering in fear. Get proactive. You should all go out there and look for the biggest troll that you can find and lay him like carpet. It will probably do you some good as well.

Your country needs you. God bless and go forward.