Here’s what they look like in Bitchmerica:
- You must have paid taxes to the US government for the past consecutive 5 years. If you haven’t contributed to the bailout fund, you don’t qualify to receive one.
- The amount of bailout money that you are eligible to receive will not exceed the amount of taxes that you have paid to the US government over the past 5 years.
- Your corporation isn’t eligible for a bailout if you’ve done a stock buy back in the past 5 years. You really should have built up those cash reserves and if you didn’t think to do that, there’s really no way to help you. We can send Mitt Romney over to help you with your fire sale.
- Your CEO/executive to worker pay ratio must be no greater than 25:1. But don’t worry, your CEO will be given the opportunity to retroactively correct this for the past 5 years by either retroactively increasing worker pay or refunding his/her/their (including all corporate executives’) salary to the company. Not maintaining this ratio will affect future bailout requests.
- Your company must pay every worker a minimum wage of $15 per hour.
- You must provide health insurance to all employees working 30 hours per week. Your company must cover 80% of all premium costs and 50% of health insurance deductibles for all employees.
- Your bailout will be contingent on an agreement not to lay off a single worker for the next 3 years. Any offshoring of jobs during that period will render your company ineligible for any future bailouts from American taxpayers.
- Your contingent (contractor – independent or otherwise) work force may not exceed 5% of your total work force (sorry, Apple, Google, Amazon, Uber, Lyft, etc). Again, you will be given the opportunity to retroactively correct this for the past 5 years by paying all permalancers retroactively for health insurance, PTO, 401K matches, bonuses, and all other benefits that you cheated them out of.
- If you have ever blocked efforts by employees to unionize, 55% of your board will now be comprised of workers in order to qualify for a bailout. This corporate board ratio must be maintained in order to be eligible for future bailouts.
- If you have ever received a bailout in the past because you were “too big to fail”, you must turn over the keys to the government. You will have to be nationalized so as not to continue being a burden to American taxpayers.
- If your company has been fined by a consumer regulatory agency for persistent, repeated, and systemic theft of customers, you will not be eligible for a bailout (sorry, Wells Fargo). But again, Mitt Romney will be made available to you to help with the liquidation purposes.
- If you have been repeatedly fined for safety violations or labor violations, you will not be eligible for a bailout.
- Financial institutions will have to pay back all bailouts at the highest interest rate they charge their customers to borrow money.
- And lastly, in order to receive a bailout, your company will have to declare itself “not a person” and forfeit all “free speech” protections that our constitution reserves for people. Your money will no longer have the power of speech it never should have received in the first place.
